Many people choose to give themselves sexually to their partners more in this lifestyle. Many of those I have spoken to attempt to no longer block sexual or physical intimacy as they may have done before Dd/TTWD. But it can be easier said than done.
Gone are the 'I've got a head ache' cliches and instead our men stop feeling rejected physically.
For a man, if sexually rejected, they feel like you don't want them. You don't love them enough to feel intimate, to share your body with them. It snubs them and makes them feel bad, even though for a women it may not feel like that.
One of my friends husband's asked her to no longer say no to him. He felt that it was her way of maintaining control in the relationship, but this doesn't mean that he took it whenever he pleased. It actually meant that he had to listen more to her needs. He began to judge if she really didn't want to have sex for some reason and taut him to be more in tune with her. But for a woman it can be hard to submit herself totally in such intimate situations.
It can only happen if a man can be completely 100% trusted to make that call sexually. By not saying no and allowing him full control of our bodies, he is given complete and utter control of all areas. For me and my husband this happened naturally but often, I admit, there are sometimes times when I really don't want it. I do my best to not say no and I end up enjoying it!
We have a great deal more sex now than before. Partly because he appears very attractive to me taking on a more dominant role in our marriage but also because he initiates it more, knowing that I won't reject him.
Do you agree, do you think sexually he should be able to take full control?
"Question from reader: How do I get my husband to punish me for something that I feel I have done wrong?"
When we feel that our partners aren't spanking us for something that we expect them to spank us for, we are stuck between two ideas. We want our partner to do what is necessary to maintain the expectations in the marriage, but we worrying that by telling or asking him to do something about a certain behavior we may be ‘topping from the bottom’. In addition to that, we also may feel confused because we want our partners to take charge and be strong but we don't actually want to be spanked. It is hard to know what to do in this situation. On one hand you don’t want to control things by telling your other half what and how to deal with the situation but on the other hand you want him to be consistent. It is so confusing when this happens.
I think it is also worth bearing in mind that, something that is a big deal to you may not be to him. Something you may think needs punishing for, he may not agree. And I think that is the bottom line of submission (pardon the pun!). If you are telling him what and how to punish you, you aren't really submitting to his decisions and authority, and if that is what you want in your
One friend said to me, ‘you both have expectation in the marriage. You, have to do as he expects you to and if you don’t his role is to punish you for it. If you have failed to keep up your end of the bargain, he must keep to his, otherwise one problem turns into two and two wrongs don’t make a right’.
Another friend Roz said to me,
‘Consistency seems to be one of the biggest issues with Dd. It does seem to come and go for all of us. Life simply getting in the way plays a part. Also, we spend a lot of time focusing on consistency from our HoH and how it makes us feel when we don't get it. However, we also need to be consistent in our role. I wonder how inconsistency from the tih affects an HoH?
When this happens for me, I feel very much the same as you. I don't wasn't the consequences and don't want to question his authority etc, yet I feel I need the accountability in order to feel safe and that he has me. If consistency is lacking it can leave you feeling a little unsure of his commitment to Dd.
I think maybe sometimes what we may perceive as inconsistency actually isn't it. Well, not consciously anyway and he may not even realise it.
Speaking from my own experience, we have certain rules and they are things that are important to Rick .. to both of us. Having said that however, he is very much a 'play it as you feel it at the time' kind of guy. If a rule is broken, I exhibit unacceptable behaviour etc, he will not necessarily take action every time. It all depends on how my actions affect him and make him feel at the time. How he sees it at the time. He will not take action on the theory that he has to because I broke a rule. He also considers all the facts any my level of culpability.
I could break a rule and he will simply acknowledge it and voice displeasure on one occasion and the next time come down hard.
The other thing I would add is that those statements like "if this ever happens again..." etc are also made because that is truly how he feels at the time (reactive response). When the "it" does happen again he may legitimately not feel the same way at that particular time or indeed may have forgotten his earlier 'threat'.
I know this probably all sounds rather confusing and doesn't necessarily help those feelings when inconsistency happens, maybe if we can get at least some understanding of where he is coming from it helps?’
After living like this for four years the biggest challenge to our way of life is when I am pregnant. Unless absolutely necessary my husband tries to not spank me when I am pregnant, or at least not very hard. But I know he struggles with this, just as other couples we know.
I have always thought that a man can lead without spanking his wife. The problem comes of course when he is used to using this as the last resort, or as a symbol to remind the couple of who is ultimately in charge. Then when you take away that element the man can often feel powerless, like Samson without his hair.
So what can a man do in this situation. In such times my husband has lost all confidence in leading me. Normally I am used to falling back on a leading figure in my marriage but without this strength holding me up, I end up feeling exposed and vulnerable.
What ends up happening is i end up leading myself, I subconsciously fill in the gaps that I feel are there and when my husband does step up I end up resenting it and pushing at those boundaries, just as I did in the early days.
This in turn leaves him feeling low and down trodden. It is a vicious cycle. I can't submit without him leading and he can't lead without me submitting. Our usual strong, concrete foundations of marriage seem to crumble into disarray.
So do you think a man needs to spank in order to lead his household?
The incredible attractiveness of a bossy man
I have had a temporary change in my normal schedule. Temporary as in a couple of months. Temporary as in I seriously need to adjust to this change or I will be getting frequent spankings for my attitude.
This change has me waking SUPER early in the morning ( I am NOT a morning person) but also involves me spending quite a bit more time with my family, which is wonderful. Apparently the first three mornings of my new schedule I wasn't all that pleasant. I somewhat realized this myself but it was like one of those out of body experiences. "Hmm.......am I really acting like this????"
My Hubby NEVER even mentioned it to me while it was going on. Which I would prefer. A warning and a chance to correct is MUCH MUCH better than a spanking for completely going bonkers and having a bad attitude. Well, last night in bed (which is where we seem to have a lot of our little DD talks) he tells me that I need to watch my attitude and that he has let it go because he knows I am adjusting.
I can't even remember the exact words he used. But, it was a warning. AND.......I LOVED IT! The past few days I just assumed he was ignoring my behavior in the mornings when really he was just being the sweet understanding man I fell in love with. How lucky am I?!?!?
I find this bossy side so incredibly attractive. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. And, I'm sure if the lights had been on he would have seen me looking at him all googly eyed. I love my bossy man and wouldn't have him any other way :)
My mother once said "Whatever you feed grows". It can apply to a whole lot of different things. It was a statement of caution. Some people become obsessive with certain activities or thoughts. The number one thing I have been spanked for since starting DD has been going over my 2 hour a day limit on the computer. It's just SO HARD. My husband is obsessive about fishing. He fishes about once a week. When I acted sad, because he was going the second time in one week, he reminded me of all the time we get to have together. He works very early hours so he's home in the early afternoons, and he has 3 days off every week. He was feeling guilty because I was "pouting." He decided he would make it easier for me by changing my computer rule. I was sooooo excited when he said that I could be on the computer as much as I wanted on the days he was gone fishing. I spent almost every second he was gone. Pinterest, Facebook, DD blogs, etc. etc. It was great. I even wished he would be gone a good while.
There hasn't been another day of fishing, but there was another spanking for the same dang rule. He hadn't asked me in so long about how much time I had been on the computer. I was keeping up on my daily chores (mostly). After that full day of just pure computer time pleasure, not having to watch the clock, it was hard to go back. The first day, I went over about 30 minutes. The second day I was on there an hour and a half over. The third day, I just threw caution to the wind. I was on the computer about six hours. I was repinning all kinds of cool stuff and recipes. That night while we were spending our cuddle time in bed, before sleep, he asked me. "Oh Crap" was my response in my head. "Ummmm?" was my response out loud. He kept questioning me, then he said "You're not going to tell me?". I shook my head, and said I didn't want to. He said "Well, you know what that means. Not tonight, but it's gonna happen." It was after midnight. Part of me wanted to go ahead and get it over with, but the other part wanted to put it off as long as possible.
The following day, my husband got home, and did not mention the spanking. He announced about 4pm that he would like to go eat Mexican food. When it got closer to supper time, he said he was ready to go. I said so are we putting it off until tomorrow, because I don't want to be full of Mexican food. He said "Put off what?". I quietly said the spanking. He HAD FORGOTTEN AND I REMINDED HIM! (DUHHH!!). Anyway he said "Ok, Let's get it done." I said or we can wait until tomorrow. He was off the next day. He agreed. Yea!!
When I woke up, I turned over and saw that my husband was awake. Glad he was off, I smiled at him and we both greeted each other with a kiss and a "good morning". That's where the fun stopped. I didn't know the spanking was going to be the very first thing he wanted to do. He said "You need to get up, go to the restroom or whatever you need to do, because it's time. We might as well get it out of the way." UGGGGG. I don't really even like to communicate much in the morning. I slowly got out of bed, took my time away, brushed my teeth, combed my hair, got a drink, etc. I got back to find my bed linens all rearranged, and the oak paddle on the nightstand. I dreaded it, but was not too concerned. My husband usually stops when I quit saying ouch and oh, and start saying please and that hurts. Not this time. I actually had the "going limp" experience that I've read about on other blogs. I never though I would cry during a spanking, but I did.
I will not be braking the computer rule anymore, and be thankful for my new freedom when he's fishing. I will never think "It will be worth it", because now I've had something I really will try to avoid. You know, like my mom said "Whatever you feed grows." Well, I've been feeding my husband info on the DD lifestyle. He has certainly grown, and become less fearful of spanking me. Oh, I've been on here an hour and a half of my 2 hours, so I will close this ramble. God bless you all, Belle L.
The wonderful Christina and Jim from http://redbootywoman.blogspot.co.uk
gave us permission to quote them. Here Christina explores her own submission.
Submission or Not? Throughout my relationship with Jim and our path along the Domestic Discipline highway, I've thought about, analyzed and struggled with the term, "submission
". Do I consider myself a submissive woman and wife? Sometimes I think I have a concrete answer, and other times I question whether or not submission is part of my reality.
When I look up the term, submission
, in the dictionary, or online through Wikipedia, I can get different threads of information that may or not seem relevant to me, since there is no one real definition. The common idea is that it involves the giving of oneself, to another person, in body, mind and spirit, and in doing so, gives control to the recipient. In our relationship, that ‘control’ is assumed by him in matters of decision making, authority and discipline. Ideally, the concept of submission is voluntary and consensual, since force isn’t a concept that is validated by Domestic Discipline.
Submission is based on trust and respect. That one is very easy. I trust Jim with all things and anything and at any time or place. I respect him in many ways; as a man, husband, father, provider, and HoH. I really respect that he is a man with alpha tendencies. In fact, I find that quality very sexy and appealing. Does that mean I’m submissive?
I obey the rules he has for me, as his wife, and for our family. I submit to his authority and try very hard
to accept that his decision in matters is final. I submit to his discipline and accept the benefits that spanking has in my own being and our relationship. Sometimes, I do these with some internal struggle and resistance, while others is with calm and grace. Does that mean that I’m submissive but in denial?
I understand that for some women, some of whom I know, they can find submission to be both liberating and exciting and feel anything but diminished by it. I have nothing against, non-dominant men but I am not drawn to them for a life partner. I love the fact that Jim can be an alpha male, in control with confidence in his authority, and capable of enforcing it with kindness, consideration and love. Does loving such a man make him the dominant and me the submissive one?
I think my final decision to the question of submission, is that I don’t know whether or not I would consider it a quality of mine. I submit to his authority because I love him. I submit to his discipline because he loves me.
Maybe, in the end, for us, it doesn’t matter all that much about submission.
Sometimes it's hard to know what to do when you feel that your husband isn't being consistent.
You are stuck between wanting to know the concrete boundaries and not feeling like he is protecting you and supporting you and keeping you safe if he doesn't react to something that he has already said that he would, and yet you don't want a spanking, or to try and control things.
I have always thought that women who complain about their men being inconsistent are 'topping from the bottom' or still trying to lead things even though they are desperately trying to surrender power.
But when my husband says, 'I will spank you for...' or says 'I will do...if you do...' and they he doesn't it leaves you feeling very strange.
I feel shaken, like I am not sure where to tread. I don't understand the boundaries and more and those strong protecting arms around I feel weaker, and I in turn feel vulnerable.
But I don't want to complain or tell him how to lead, I want to respect his judgement and trust his decisions.
What are your thoughts.Belle L http://bellesownway.blogspot.co.uk
"In my own situation, mostly now, I just wait patiently. If he says that something should be done differently, I tell him that I gave him the ok to address anything. This is now. In the beginning, I printed several things that seemed to explain things that I was feeling. I've even marked on the pages of what I wasn't ok with. I explained what worked and didn't work. My husband wants me to be happy and healthy. He is interested in practicing DD in a way that I need it to be, in order to be the person I want and need to be. He immediately embraced the fun, playful spankings. Discipline is harder. I think it's because there have been some really painful times in our lives, for one reason or another. He did not want to hurt me. I had to reassure him. Sometimes I did that by printing someone's else's explanation of it. In the beginning he would ask me, if this is one of those times I should get a spanking (I hate answering those kind of questions). He would tell me that he didn't know. I think he feels much more comfortable now, once he decides to punish, yet he seems to be slow to do so. I also do so much better. I don't think we have had an argument since starting DD. It seems we both watch out what we say. I am more agreeable. He is more agreeable. I wanted to be a more motivated and agreeable wife. Usually, if I get punished, it's because I was lazy and didn't do what I was suppose to do. He will always ask me how I was feeling, if I hurt more anywhere that day. Then he will ask why I didn't do what I was suppose to do, if I wasn't having problems. If he tells me to go to bed, or to do something right then, I will right then or ask if I can do it differently. I obey. He is not by any means unreasonable. He works. I stay at home and do not work near the hours that he does. I crave his discipline because I self-loath if I am unproductive. I hope this answered the question." -Belle L.Anon.
"Trust in him, let him lead his way but if you're not happy then talk to him, tell him how you feel, respectfully. I am always torn between 'yeah I got away with that' and 'you want to live this way so come on, take charge'."
"Ok, I'll tell you what I think. If you're going to have this arrangement, it's important to be as consistent as possible--acknowledging that it isn't always going to be. Now about your input. I've always been happy to receive input. I'm clearly in charge. Lynda can say what she needs to say. But I decide. If the top is in the right mindset, the bottom can't really do the directing. She could try I guess... I'm in charge because of who I am and what I do, whatever anybody may say. "
The most artfully and articulately written blog post to convince a man why he should spank his wife when she wants him to. from http://mickandlyndasblog.blogspot.co.ukDear Head of the House,
Your wife has gathered up the courage to ask something of you that you never saw coming. Please understand how vulnerable she is making herself simply by bringing up the subject. She’s hoping you won’t think less of her. And she certainly doesn’t want to be ridiculed.
She would never have come to you with this if it weren’t for two things. First, she needs you very much. She’s tired of going it alone and trying to live according to a cultural standard that just doesn’t work for her. She picked you for her mate because you have strength that she especially needs. Second, she trusts you. She knows that if you take on this role, it might be painful for her at times, but she knows she’ll be safe in your hands.
She trusts you. She needs you. What more does a man need to launch him into action? These are the things that touch the core of our souls and inspire us to be and do whatever it takes to fulfill our responsibility.
Are you man enough?
I’m not telling you to be bullying or violent. I’m not telling you to motivate her with rage and intimidation. I’m suggesting that you need to lead this relationship. Take the initiative and recognize what the needs of the marriage are. Show some confidence in directing how you and she will live with each other.
Spanking won’t work for most women, but yours has asked you for it. What are you going to do?
There are specific reasons why a woman wants/needs her husband to use spanking as a partial means to enforce his leadership.
She needs to know that you’re strong enough to be the leader. She doesn’t like being in the leader’s position. She’ll do it if it’s needed. In fact, many men have abdicated their role as leaders and have taken on a passive, even disinterested position, waiting for the woman to tell them what to do for the relationship. The woman will step into the empty position that you’re not filling, but unless the husband is incapacitated with illness or injury, she resents it.
However, giving up the leadership position isn’t always easy. She needs you to demonstrate that you are in charge. For some, a spanking firmly establishes both your roles.
Women don’t like to be nags. In fact, they really hate it. They hate it so much that they’ll sometimes graduate from nagging to bitchy (sorry ladies). They don’t want to be your momma and they don’t want you to be a little boy. They want a lover and a leader.
Of course, it can become a habit to nag. Perhaps they were raised with parents where the woman had to nag. If you are head of the household, take initiative in making things right in the house, the home, and the marriage. Part of that role is insisting that you be treated with respect, just as you should treat her with respect. Sometimes that means correcting long term behavior—like nagging. And when it has been mutually agreed on, spanking is used to make that correction.
Spanking is for discipline. Sometimes it’s for punishment but also for direction. It’s a means of helping the woman do those things that are important for her welfare as well as for the welfare of the home. Some men spank their wives if they don’t take care of themselves though exercise, diet, etc. I sometimes spank my wife if she hasn’t done enough artwork—because that’s something that’s really good for her. I also use spanking if she neglects her daily tasks because it keeps the house, her world, and our lives in order. Spanking keeps the chaos at bay.
There are things your wife should be doing. You both know it. But she needs your leadership to get her moving. If she has told you spanking helps her do it, then be grateful you have a definite means of action to improve your lives.
Spanking resets her. Women have to struggle in ways that we can’t imagine when it comes to hormones. The monthly cycle that really isn’t that regular, PMS, pre-menopause, then menopause—I don’t how all that feels but I see that it can drive them crazy. Even after years, we’ll get surprised by the emotional storm that can come from our sweet ladies. Most men adopt a “duck and cover” mode. Some men react meanly with ridicule and reactionary anger. But what they really need is for us to recognize that they are struggling, face their emotional storm calmly without getting offended, and take action.
In a DD relationship, spanking is used to stabilize the woman during these hormonal storms. Many women have written in their blogs about how much it helps them get through the worst of it. Of course, you have to take an experimental approach. Some things work, some don’t.
Some people think spanking helps a woman with her depression and there’s some talk out there that research has indicated this to be true. My own wife has suffered from depression and in addition to counseling, getting medication, exercise, and rest, I added spanking. If she didn’t feel like getting up after I told her to, she got a spanking. If she languished on the couch and didn’t do her work because she felt so awful, unless she was really sick, she got a spanking. I once spanked her pretty hard three times in one day (the closest I came to actually bruising her). But I haven’t done it since because she hasn’t been so terribly depressed since then.
It was a gamble, but it worked.
Spanking brings conflict to an end and helps you move on. I have a rule for myself. If I’ve spanked my wife for something she did wrong, I can’t bring it up again the next time I’m upset about something—that’s a petty, passive aggressive form of punishment. BTW, when you do something wrong, be the leader, own up to it, and correct it without anyone telling you.
But shouldn’t SHE do these things on her own without my insisting on it? If she loves me why can’t she act like she should on her own?
When she asks for your help by spanking her, she’s done something pretty drastic, don’t you think? She’s telling you that your life together is so important that she’ll take your direction.
I’m going to go ahead and say it although it sounds terribly chauvinistic: We husbands are supposed to be the leaders. We’re supposed to show some strength and take on this role. I’m not claiming that we’re better—far from it. But we are supposed to do what we were designed to do and that’s to lead the family.
Spanking your woman, even if she has given overall consent, is not easy. She’s not going to make it easy. She’ll argue, get mad, then be mad afterwards. Don’t expect her to say, “Right honey. I know I deserve this. I appreciate your doing this for me.” But she does. You have to be strong enough to override her resistance. It’s part of earning her respect.
Spanking is an intimate activity. It’s private. It requires vulnerability. It hurts. It helps. It might lead to sex, but it might not. It requires your wisdom, restraint, and courage. And it’s not for everybody.
But if your wife has asked for it, you should consider stepping up to do it.