"Question from reader: How do I get my husband to punish me for something that I feel I have done wrong?"

When we feel that our partners aren't spanking us for something that we expect them to spank us for, we are stuck between two ideas. We want our partner to do what is necessary to maintain the expectations in the marriage, but we worrying that by telling or asking him to do something about a certain behavior  we may be ‘topping from the bottom’.  In addition to that, we also may feel confused because we want our partners to take charge and be strong but we don't actually want to be spanked. It is hard to know what to do in this situation. On one hand you don’t want to control things by telling your other half what and how to deal with the situation but on the other hand you want him to be consistent. It is so confusing when this happens.
I think it is also worth bearing in mind that, something that is a big deal to you may not be to him. Something you may think needs punishing for, he may not agree. And I think that is the bottom line of submission (pardon the pun!). If you are telling him what and how to punish you, you aren't really submitting to his decisions and authority, and if that is what you want in your

One friend said to me,
‘you both have expectation in the marriage. You, have to do as he expects you to and if you don’t his role is to punish you for it. If you have failed to keep up your end of the bargain, he must keep to his, otherwise one problem turns into two and two wrongs don’t make a right’.

Another friend Roz said to me,

 ‘Consistency seems to be one of the biggest issues with Dd. It does seem to come and go for all of us.  Life simply getting in the way plays a part.  Also, we spend a lot of time focusing on consistency from our HoH and how it makes us feel when we don't get it.  However, we also need to be consistent in our role.  I wonder how inconsistency from the tih affects an HoH?

When this happens for me, I feel very much the same as you.  I don't wasn't the consequences and don't want to question his authority etc, yet I feel I need the accountability in order to feel safe and that he has me.  If consistency is lacking it can leave you feeling a little unsure of his commitment to Dd.

I think maybe sometimes what we may perceive as inconsistency actually isn't it. Well, not consciously anyway and he may not even realise it.

Speaking from my own experience, we have certain rules and they are things that are important to Rick .. to both of us.  Having said that however, he is very much a 'play it as you feel it at the time' kind of guy.  If a rule is broken, I exhibit unacceptable behaviour etc, he will not necessarily take action every time.  It all depends on how my actions affect him and make him feel at the time.  How he sees it at the time.  He will not take action on the theory that he has to because I broke a rule. He also considers all the facts any my level of culpability.

I could break a rule and he will simply acknowledge it and voice displeasure on one occasion and the next time come down hard. 

The other thing I would add is that those statements like "if this ever happens again..." etc are also made because that is truly how he feels at the time (reactive response).  When the "it" does happen again he may legitimately not feel the same way at that particular time or indeed may have forgotten his earlier 'threat'. 

I know this probably all sounds rather confusing and doesn't necessarily help those feelings when inconsistency happens, maybe if we can get at least some understanding of where he is coming from it helps?’

After living like this for four years the biggest challenge to our way of life is when I am pregnant. Unless absolutely necessary my husband tries to not spank me when I am pregnant, or at least not very hard. But I know he struggles with this, just as other couples we know.

I have always thought that a man can lead without spanking his wife. The problem comes of course when he is used to using this as the last resort, or as a symbol to remind the couple of who is ultimately in charge. Then when you take away that element the man can often feel powerless, like Samson without his hair.

So what can a man do in this situation. In such times my husband has lost all confidence in leading me. Normally I am used to falling back on a leading figure in my marriage but without this strength holding me up, I end up feeling exposed and vulnerable. 

What ends up happening is i end up leading myself, I subconsciously fill in the gaps that I feel are there and when my husband does step up I end up resenting it and pushing at those boundaries, just as I did in the early days.

This in turn leaves him feeling low and down trodden. It is a vicious cycle. I can't submit without him leading and he can't lead without me submitting. Our usual strong, concrete foundations of marriage seem to crumble into disarray.

So do you think a man needs to spank in order to lead his household?