It seems like many articles are being written about Domestic Discipline or TTWD all the time. Like all news it's cumulative and the more people write, the more people want to read and the more people write again, a continuously evolving spanking information cycle. The thing is that to most people, when you say, 'I let my husband spank me if he feels it's necessary, domestic violence alarm bells ring in their heads. To us who practice male-lead marriages and relationships, many of these articles seems rather funny. They portray a lifestyle far removed from our own, which is loving with mutual respect. So here are a collection of articles out there that make us giggle and DEFINITELY do not represent us.
The 'Christian' movement that tells husbands to SPANK their wives 'to correct misbehavior'By ASHLEY COLLMAN
PUBLISHED: 16:52, 22 June 2013 | UPDATED: 20:29, 22 June 2013
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2346393/The-Christian-movement-tells-husbands-SPANK-wives-correct-misbehavior.html
A growing number of married American couples are agreeing to allow husbands to keep their wives 'in line' by taking to corporal punishment.
The trend is called Christian Domestic Discipline and much of what is known about the practice is published on the website Learning Domestic Discipline, published by husband and wife CDD duo, Clint and Chelsea.
The website states: 'It is an arrangement between two adults who share the belief that the husband is the head of the household and with that position comes the right to enforce his authority.'
Clint and Chelsea have also written a 50-page packet on the practice called Beginning Domestic Discipline.
In the packet they describe CDD as a ‘practice between two consenting life partners in which the head of household (HoH) takes the necessary measures to achieve a healthy relationship dynamic.’
That translates to all methods of punishment, not exclusive to spanking. Clint and Chelsea advocate lecturing, removing privileges, corner and bedroom time – essentially the ways most people discipline their children.
For CDD enthusiasts, this type of punishment isn’t sexual in nature.
Vera (anonymous last name), who is in a CDD relationship with her husband told The Daily Beast that the practice is in no-way sexual.
'The pure CDD people don't go there. A lot of folks think of Fifty Shades of Grey - but this is not that.’
Spanking is clearly the bread and butter of this kind of relationship. Eighteen pages of the CDD manifesto are dedicated to spanking and how to properly go about administering spanks.
Clint and Chelsea talk about all aspects of spanking such as the ‘awkward’ first spanking, the various tools that can be used to administer the spankings, what position the wife should be in and the pros and cons of spanking over or under clothing.
Corporal punishment at home obviously leads to questions about whether or not this is domestic abuse. Clint and Chelsea stress in their packet that CDD should only practiced by consenting adults and that the HoH should never punish while angry.
‘If the HoH becomes angry, they must do whatever it takes to get themselves back to a calm, reasonable, rational, level-headed, and collected state before making any decision or carrying out any punishment.’
But as evidenced on many forums dedicated to CDD, the practice has turned violent in cases.
‘I wanted the spankings to stop and my husband told me it was either DD and marriage or divorce. I chose divorce. I couldn't handle the pain of spankings anymore, emotionally or physically,’ a woman named Michelle wrote on a popular CDD blog found in reporting by The Daily Beast.
What’s scarier is how little fear is expressed in these forums.
XOJane writer Laura Rubino investigated the issue and trolled the internet looking for horror stories but was surprised when she ‘didn’t find as many of those as I was expecting to.’
'Most of the women who write about their CDD experiences online are not complaining. Many of them report feeling extremely calm and relaxed after being disciplined, and believe it is an expression of their husband caring about them and their marriage, enough to help them modify their behavior,’ Rubino said.
The punishment, Rubino said, offers these women a clean slate and they don’t have to worry about passive aggressive tension after a fight.
While many of these women rave about CDD, it’s not something that Rubino would voluntarily sign herself up for.
‘Walking around my own home, conscious of the fact that any perceived transgression could result in physical pain and a surrendering of control of my body? That would stress me the f*** out. I don't find that sexy at all. Scary, yes. Hot? Not so much.'
Jim Alsdurf, a forensic psychologist who has written a book on abuse in Christian homes, agrees.
‘No fool in his right mind would but this as a legitimate way to have a relationship. A relationship that infantilizes a woman is one that clearly draws a more pathological group of people.’
Even conservative Christians aren’t behind this trend. Radio host Bryan Fisher told The Huffington Post that he finds no basis in Christianity for such a relationship. He described the trend as ‘horrifying,’ ‘ bizarre,’ ‘unbiblical’ and ’un-Christian’.
'God in the New Testament clearly asks wives to arrange themselves under the leadership of their husbands (in Greek, the word 'submit' means 'to arrange under.') But there is no place where husbands are instructed to make their wives do it or punish them if they don't.'
PUBLISHED: 16:52, 22 June 2013 | UPDATED: 20:29, 22 June 2013
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2346393/The-Christian-movement-tells-husbands-SPANK-wives-correct-misbehavior.html
A growing number of married American couples are agreeing to allow husbands to keep their wives 'in line' by taking to corporal punishment.
The trend is called Christian Domestic Discipline and much of what is known about the practice is published on the website Learning Domestic Discipline, published by husband and wife CDD duo, Clint and Chelsea.
The website states: 'It is an arrangement between two adults who share the belief that the husband is the head of the household and with that position comes the right to enforce his authority.'
Clint and Chelsea have also written a 50-page packet on the practice called Beginning Domestic Discipline.
In the packet they describe CDD as a ‘practice between two consenting life partners in which the head of household (HoH) takes the necessary measures to achieve a healthy relationship dynamic.’
That translates to all methods of punishment, not exclusive to spanking. Clint and Chelsea advocate lecturing, removing privileges, corner and bedroom time – essentially the ways most people discipline their children.
For CDD enthusiasts, this type of punishment isn’t sexual in nature.
Vera (anonymous last name), who is in a CDD relationship with her husband told The Daily Beast that the practice is in no-way sexual.
'The pure CDD people don't go there. A lot of folks think of Fifty Shades of Grey - but this is not that.’
Spanking is clearly the bread and butter of this kind of relationship. Eighteen pages of the CDD manifesto are dedicated to spanking and how to properly go about administering spanks.
Clint and Chelsea talk about all aspects of spanking such as the ‘awkward’ first spanking, the various tools that can be used to administer the spankings, what position the wife should be in and the pros and cons of spanking over or under clothing.
Corporal punishment at home obviously leads to questions about whether or not this is domestic abuse. Clint and Chelsea stress in their packet that CDD should only practiced by consenting adults and that the HoH should never punish while angry.
‘If the HoH becomes angry, they must do whatever it takes to get themselves back to a calm, reasonable, rational, level-headed, and collected state before making any decision or carrying out any punishment.’
But as evidenced on many forums dedicated to CDD, the practice has turned violent in cases.
‘I wanted the spankings to stop and my husband told me it was either DD and marriage or divorce. I chose divorce. I couldn't handle the pain of spankings anymore, emotionally or physically,’ a woman named Michelle wrote on a popular CDD blog found in reporting by The Daily Beast.
What’s scarier is how little fear is expressed in these forums.
XOJane writer Laura Rubino investigated the issue and trolled the internet looking for horror stories but was surprised when she ‘didn’t find as many of those as I was expecting to.’
'Most of the women who write about their CDD experiences online are not complaining. Many of them report feeling extremely calm and relaxed after being disciplined, and believe it is an expression of their husband caring about them and their marriage, enough to help them modify their behavior,’ Rubino said.
The punishment, Rubino said, offers these women a clean slate and they don’t have to worry about passive aggressive tension after a fight.
While many of these women rave about CDD, it’s not something that Rubino would voluntarily sign herself up for.
‘Walking around my own home, conscious of the fact that any perceived transgression could result in physical pain and a surrendering of control of my body? That would stress me the f*** out. I don't find that sexy at all. Scary, yes. Hot? Not so much.'
Jim Alsdurf, a forensic psychologist who has written a book on abuse in Christian homes, agrees.
‘No fool in his right mind would but this as a legitimate way to have a relationship. A relationship that infantilizes a woman is one that clearly draws a more pathological group of people.’
Even conservative Christians aren’t behind this trend. Radio host Bryan Fisher told The Huffington Post that he finds no basis in Christianity for such a relationship. He described the trend as ‘horrifying,’ ‘ bizarre,’ ‘unbiblical’ and ’un-Christian’.
'God in the New Testament clearly asks wives to arrange themselves under the leadership of their husbands (in Greek, the word 'submit' means 'to arrange under.') But there is no place where husbands are instructed to make their wives do it or punish them if they don't.'
"GETTING SPANKED AS NEEDED:" I JUST DISCOVERED CHRISTIAN DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE AND IT MAKES ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE Laura Rubino Jun 4, 2013 at 6:00pm
The women who write about their CDD experiences online are not complaining. Many of them report feeling extremely calm and relaxed after being disciplined, and believe it is an expression of their husband caring about them enough to help them modify their behaviour.
After reading Emily’s piece on sexual submission last week, and during one of my marathon Google Random Stuff While Procrastinating sessions, I stumbled upon this request for advice on a message board.
A young, recently married woman was asking for advice about her relationship with her new husband. He has started spanking her if she “misbehaves, says something wrong, does something wrong, [or] hurts him in any way.” He will often continue until she cries, exhibits jealous tendencies, and displays inappropriate anger and rage. She justifies his actions by stating: “I respect him and know he’s the master of me as I married him.” It seemed to me to be a clear abusive situation, and expected to read as much in the comments.
[I didn’t know it yet, but I was about to embark on a fascinating and disturbing virtual tour of The Intimate Relationships of Complete Strangers.
I was surprised to find that many of the commenters were relating to the poster’s experience as fully consensual partners in something calledChristian Domestic Discipline (CDD). I had never heard the term before, and figured it was a small sub-culture of people who enjoy googling the same weird shit that I do and then spreading their gospel on the message boards.
Not so. I rapidly discovered that the proselytising of the CDD lifestyle is not restricted to Internet commenting alone. Blogs and websites abound written by and for women advocating this practice. Among the ones I visited were: Knowing Your Roles, Getting Spanked as Needed, and the cringe-inducing Putting Him First.
Not all couples who practice Domestic Discipline identify as Christian, but for the most part I get the sense that the underlying rationale is the same, whether it’s claiming to be based on the word of the bible or not. And I have no doubt that there are same-sex couples and polyamorous groups who practice Domestic Discipline, with a different determination of roles that is not gender based.
To rein in scope I’m going to be focussing on Christian Domestic Discipline between monogamous, heterosexual couples.
OK, so I understand spanking/discipline etc. in a sexual context. I believe there can certainly be equality, respect, enthusiastic consent, and everything else that belongs in a healthy sexual relationship between people who enjoy dominant/submissive role-play and other types of power play. I don’t view these relationships as strange, de-humanizing, or problematic in any way.
Receiving discipline in the bedroom seems like just a sexually charged way to act out deep rooted power dynamics. In a D/s context, I can totally get with this –- that primal expression of the ideologies that have been instilled in us since birth. I can understand the turn on.
But walking around my own home, conscious of the fact that any perceived transgression could result in physical pain and a surrendering of control of my body? That would stress me the fuck out. I don’t find that sexy at all. Scary, yes. Hot? Not so much.
The idea of being spanked, or receiving physical discipline, because I need it to help me rein in my "bad behaviour" makes me highly uncomfortable. Women report being punished for disobedience, badattitude, talking back, and a myriad of other rule violations.
This I find problematic.
The most obvious troubling aspect of these relationships is that women and men do not have equal rights. Men are granted more freedoms than women -- such as the freedom to behave as they choose without consequence. Also, CDD dictates that the only way a marriage can be successful is if the woman can be taught to behave in the "correct" fashion (as determined by her husband), and be sufficiently submissive (both inside and outside of the bedroom).
Basically men get to have all the power, and none of the responsibility.
Couples who engage in the practice might respond to that characterization in the following ways:
“My husband may have all the power, but that’s actually a burden that he is selflessly removing from my shoulders. I’m relieved to not have to make all those tough decisions.”
“Women may be ultimately responsible for everything that happens in the family, from weekly menus to THE HAPPINESS OF EVERYONE AROUND HER [emphasis added], but it is an honour. My wife feels blessed and proud to be able to sacrifice herself in this way, and having a family to surround her is reward enough for all her hard work.”
“This is what the bible tells us to do. We are fulfilled in our obedience to God’s will.”
Do I sound judgemental? I’m really trying not to be. I try to have a very open mind about the way people choose to live their lives. Case in point: I am totally fascinated by and support the openly gay Mormon man who is happily, and exclusively, married to the mother of his kids. They have a radically unconventional relationship (or radically conventional, depending on your perspective), and I don’t have any alarm bells going off about them.
Most of the women who write about their CDD experiences online are not complaining. Many of them report feeling extremely calm and relaxed after being disciplined, and believe it is an expression of their husbandcaring about them and their marriage, enough to help them modify their behaviour. After the spanking, they are granted a clean slate. They don’t need to endure the days of tension and shittiness that can follow an argument unresolved through discipline.
And I do respect that basic tenet of feminism –- that women should be able to make their own decisions when it comes to their body and who gets to do what to that body (and the associated mind, spirit, soul, etc.).
I suppose my discomfort with the practice is somewhat similar to the feelings that arise when I see a woman walking down the street wearing a Niqab that only shows her eyes. I get that it’s her choice (in theory, anyways), and understand that there are many women who feel that covering themselves in that way is actually empowering for them, and I support a woman’s right to choose that for themselves.
In both cases, religion is used as both a justification and a motivator for perpetuating a clearly defined gender dynamic, with rules and restrictions on women that do not apply to men. Indeed, men are further granted the power to enforce these rules and restrictions, in whatever interpretation and to whatever degree they see fit, on their wives and life partners.
Obviously there is a difference between participating in Christian Domestic Discipline and wearing a Niqab. I am bringing it into the conversation to specifically address this issue of free will. Within the ideology of a religion, and the walls of a home that operates according to a specific (and male) interpretation of that religion, can free will for women truly exist?
The question of whether or not that choice is truly the woman’s to make is a highly complex one. Is she making the choice based on her own independent thought, reason, and preferences? Has she been conditioned to believe that it is the choice she must make if she is a good woman? Does she worry that if she makes a different choice that she will be lowered in the eyes of the deity she worships, or worse, destined to eternal damnation? Is she intimidated, coerced, or threatened into making that choice?
I read those CDD blogs like an emotional detective, trying to listen for any sense of resentment on the part of the woman, discover clues she’s leaving us that she wants out or needs rescuing. I didn’t find as many of those as I was expecting to.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about the story of the young woman that launched me into this world. I think about the women in these types of relationships who are not blogging about it or celebrating the lifestyle they find themselves in. Those who are confused, searching, scared or trapped.
Emotional abuse often masquerades as loving partnership. The abuser claims to want his partner to fulfill her potential, to grow and learn and to better herself. His criticisms and insults are meant to help her improve her many flaws.
Only she never reaches her potential, she is never good enough. No matter how hard she tries to follow his lead and take his advice, she always falls short. She’s defective, fundamentally flawed, completely dependent on her partner for everything. She needs the discipline. Doesn’t she?
So… do you need a spanking? Do you want a spanking? Would it be okay with you if your partner determined when, how and for what reason you should be disciplined? Do you think it’s none of our/my business how people in a relationship choose to resolve conflict? Should I stop staying up late Googling weird stuff that haunts me for days?
The women who write about their CDD experiences online are not complaining. Many of them report feeling extremely calm and relaxed after being disciplined, and believe it is an expression of their husband caring about them enough to help them modify their behaviour.
After reading Emily’s piece on sexual submission last week, and during one of my marathon Google Random Stuff While Procrastinating sessions, I stumbled upon this request for advice on a message board.
A young, recently married woman was asking for advice about her relationship with her new husband. He has started spanking her if she “misbehaves, says something wrong, does something wrong, [or] hurts him in any way.” He will often continue until she cries, exhibits jealous tendencies, and displays inappropriate anger and rage. She justifies his actions by stating: “I respect him and know he’s the master of me as I married him.” It seemed to me to be a clear abusive situation, and expected to read as much in the comments.
[I didn’t know it yet, but I was about to embark on a fascinating and disturbing virtual tour of The Intimate Relationships of Complete Strangers.
I was surprised to find that many of the commenters were relating to the poster’s experience as fully consensual partners in something calledChristian Domestic Discipline (CDD). I had never heard the term before, and figured it was a small sub-culture of people who enjoy googling the same weird shit that I do and then spreading their gospel on the message boards.
Not so. I rapidly discovered that the proselytising of the CDD lifestyle is not restricted to Internet commenting alone. Blogs and websites abound written by and for women advocating this practice. Among the ones I visited were: Knowing Your Roles, Getting Spanked as Needed, and the cringe-inducing Putting Him First.
Not all couples who practice Domestic Discipline identify as Christian, but for the most part I get the sense that the underlying rationale is the same, whether it’s claiming to be based on the word of the bible or not. And I have no doubt that there are same-sex couples and polyamorous groups who practice Domestic Discipline, with a different determination of roles that is not gender based.
To rein in scope I’m going to be focussing on Christian Domestic Discipline between monogamous, heterosexual couples.
OK, so I understand spanking/discipline etc. in a sexual context. I believe there can certainly be equality, respect, enthusiastic consent, and everything else that belongs in a healthy sexual relationship between people who enjoy dominant/submissive role-play and other types of power play. I don’t view these relationships as strange, de-humanizing, or problematic in any way.
Receiving discipline in the bedroom seems like just a sexually charged way to act out deep rooted power dynamics. In a D/s context, I can totally get with this –- that primal expression of the ideologies that have been instilled in us since birth. I can understand the turn on.
But walking around my own home, conscious of the fact that any perceived transgression could result in physical pain and a surrendering of control of my body? That would stress me the fuck out. I don’t find that sexy at all. Scary, yes. Hot? Not so much.
The idea of being spanked, or receiving physical discipline, because I need it to help me rein in my "bad behaviour" makes me highly uncomfortable. Women report being punished for disobedience, badattitude, talking back, and a myriad of other rule violations.
This I find problematic.
The most obvious troubling aspect of these relationships is that women and men do not have equal rights. Men are granted more freedoms than women -- such as the freedom to behave as they choose without consequence. Also, CDD dictates that the only way a marriage can be successful is if the woman can be taught to behave in the "correct" fashion (as determined by her husband), and be sufficiently submissive (both inside and outside of the bedroom).
Basically men get to have all the power, and none of the responsibility.
Couples who engage in the practice might respond to that characterization in the following ways:
“My husband may have all the power, but that’s actually a burden that he is selflessly removing from my shoulders. I’m relieved to not have to make all those tough decisions.”
“Women may be ultimately responsible for everything that happens in the family, from weekly menus to THE HAPPINESS OF EVERYONE AROUND HER [emphasis added], but it is an honour. My wife feels blessed and proud to be able to sacrifice herself in this way, and having a family to surround her is reward enough for all her hard work.”
“This is what the bible tells us to do. We are fulfilled in our obedience to God’s will.”
Do I sound judgemental? I’m really trying not to be. I try to have a very open mind about the way people choose to live their lives. Case in point: I am totally fascinated by and support the openly gay Mormon man who is happily, and exclusively, married to the mother of his kids. They have a radically unconventional relationship (or radically conventional, depending on your perspective), and I don’t have any alarm bells going off about them.
Most of the women who write about their CDD experiences online are not complaining. Many of them report feeling extremely calm and relaxed after being disciplined, and believe it is an expression of their husbandcaring about them and their marriage, enough to help them modify their behaviour. After the spanking, they are granted a clean slate. They don’t need to endure the days of tension and shittiness that can follow an argument unresolved through discipline.
And I do respect that basic tenet of feminism –- that women should be able to make their own decisions when it comes to their body and who gets to do what to that body (and the associated mind, spirit, soul, etc.).
I suppose my discomfort with the practice is somewhat similar to the feelings that arise when I see a woman walking down the street wearing a Niqab that only shows her eyes. I get that it’s her choice (in theory, anyways), and understand that there are many women who feel that covering themselves in that way is actually empowering for them, and I support a woman’s right to choose that for themselves.
In both cases, religion is used as both a justification and a motivator for perpetuating a clearly defined gender dynamic, with rules and restrictions on women that do not apply to men. Indeed, men are further granted the power to enforce these rules and restrictions, in whatever interpretation and to whatever degree they see fit, on their wives and life partners.
Obviously there is a difference between participating in Christian Domestic Discipline and wearing a Niqab. I am bringing it into the conversation to specifically address this issue of free will. Within the ideology of a religion, and the walls of a home that operates according to a specific (and male) interpretation of that religion, can free will for women truly exist?
The question of whether or not that choice is truly the woman’s to make is a highly complex one. Is she making the choice based on her own independent thought, reason, and preferences? Has she been conditioned to believe that it is the choice she must make if she is a good woman? Does she worry that if she makes a different choice that she will be lowered in the eyes of the deity she worships, or worse, destined to eternal damnation? Is she intimidated, coerced, or threatened into making that choice?
I read those CDD blogs like an emotional detective, trying to listen for any sense of resentment on the part of the woman, discover clues she’s leaving us that she wants out or needs rescuing. I didn’t find as many of those as I was expecting to.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about the story of the young woman that launched me into this world. I think about the women in these types of relationships who are not blogging about it or celebrating the lifestyle they find themselves in. Those who are confused, searching, scared or trapped.
Emotional abuse often masquerades as loving partnership. The abuser claims to want his partner to fulfill her potential, to grow and learn and to better herself. His criticisms and insults are meant to help her improve her many flaws.
Only she never reaches her potential, she is never good enough. No matter how hard she tries to follow his lead and take his advice, she always falls short. She’s defective, fundamentally flawed, completely dependent on her partner for everything. She needs the discipline. Doesn’t she?
So… do you need a spanking? Do you want a spanking? Would it be okay with you if your partner determined when, how and for what reason you should be disciplined? Do you think it’s none of our/my business how people in a relationship choose to resolve conflict? Should I stop staying up late Googling weird stuff that haunts me for days?
Spanking for Jesus: Inside the Unholy World of ‘Christian Domestic Discipline
Jun 19, 2013 4:45 AM EDT
What do you call it when a husband beats his wife with a paddle for disobeying him? Some would say domestic abuse. These people say he’s doing God’s work. By Brandy Zadrozny.
On a pain scale of one to 10, Chelsea ranks the epidural-free birth of her child as a six. Her husband’s spankings? Those are an eight.
First, he uses his hands for “warm-up” slaps. Then comes a combination of tools based on the specific infraction. The wooden spoon is the least severe; for the worst rule-breaking—like texting while driving (“It could kill me,” Chelsea admits) or moving money between accounts without his permission—she’ll be hit with something else: a hairbrush, a paddle, or a leather strap.
But this isn’t domestic abuse, Chelsea says. This is for Jesus.
Chelsea and her husband Clint, who asked that I use only their first names, belong to a small subculture of religious couples who practice “Christian Domestic Discipline,” a lifestyle that calls for a wife to be completely submissive to her husband. Referred to as CDD by its followers, the practice often includes spanking and other types corporal punishments administered by husbands—and ostensibly ordained by God. While the private nature of the discipline makes it difficult to estimate the number of adherents, activity in several online forums suggests a figure in the low thousands. Devotees call CDD an alternative lifestyle and enthusiastically sing its praises; for critics, it’s nothing but domestic abuse by another name.
Clint was in the room while I talked to Chelsea. They do everything together, including running their blog, Learning DD, which chronicles their exploration of domestic discipline. When Chelsea gets flummoxed by a question, she asks Clint for guidance in a voice so high-pitched that it belies her 28 years: “Honey, how long does the spanking usually last?” (About 5 minutes, Clint says.)
He has left bruises, Chelsea says, but it’s rare, and she attributes them to anemia.
You don’t have to be a Christian to practice domestic discipline, although many of its practitioners say they believe that domestic discipline goes hand in hand with their faith. Specifics of the practice vary by couple, though CDDers all seem to follow a few basic principles. Foremost, that the Bible commands a husband to be the head of the household, and the wife must submit to him, in every way, or face painful chastisement.
When a wife breaks her husband’s rules—rolling her eyes, maybe, or just feeling “meh,” as one blogger put it—that can equal punishments which are often corporal but can also be “corner time”; writing lines (think “I will not disobey my master” 1,000 times); losing a privilege like internet access; or being “humbled” by some sort of nude humiliation. Some practice “maintenance spanking,” wherein good girls are slapped on a schedule to remind them who’s boss; some don’t. Some couples keep the lifestyle from their children; others, like CDD blogger Stormy, don’t. “Not only does he spank me with no questions asked for disrespect or attitude in front of them, but I am also required to make an apology to each of them,” she writes.
“He enjoys seeing the person he owns become the thing God wants her to be.”
After discipline, many wives report being held and comforted. And on Internet message boards dedicated to the practice, couples emphatically advocate for the CDD way of life. As such, there’s a temptation to file away domestic discipline into to the “different strokes for different folks” category. But mental-health and abuse experts see a potential for danger.
Jim Alsdurf, a forensic psychologist who evaluates and treats sexual psychopaths and is the author of a book on abuse in Christian homes, says CDD isn’t about religion—it’s an outlet for emotionally disturbed men with intimacy deficits.
“No fool in his right mind would buy this as a legitimate way to have a relationship,” Alsdurf says. “A relationship that infantilizes a woman is one that clearly draws a more pathological group of people.”
For Alsdurf, though, CDD sounds less like an act of violence and more like of an act of distorted sexual arousal. “If people want to spank each other, go ahead,” he says. “The problem of course, is if it’s done in a controlling and a mildly abusive way.” Like with all outer variables of sexual expression, he says, “If they’re not done in a healthy way they can become about abuse and control.”
Others are less equivocal. “It’s sick,” says Wendy Dickson, who runs an emergency shelter for women and children fleeing abusive homes in Evanston, Illinois. Women who receive beatings in the name God, she says, are no different than the women she sees every day in her shelter. Domestic abuse, which one in four U.S. women (PDF) will experience at some point in their lifetime, often conjures scenes of thundering rage, broken bones, and black eyes. But the most dangerous kind, Dickson says, is the emotional kind, because it keeps people trapped. “The definition of domestic abuse is power and control over another individual,” she says.
And as for women who seem content? Dickson says many of the abused women whom she helps also make excuses for staying in an unacceptable relationship. “Everyone just wants to maintain and tell themselves this is what they want,” she says.
Perhaps for these reasons, CDDers are a private group. As they see it, they’re fighting (and losing) a culture war against liberalism and feminism. There are no brick-and-mortar churches where adherents gather to pray and paddle. Instead, the ties that bind the community are formed in largely anonymous online communities.
There are dozens of online meeting places. On Fetlife, the Christian Domestic Discipline group has more than 500 members. The private Yahoo group boasts some 4,000 members. The topics on these forums range from the banal (“Happy Flag Day, everybody!”) to the political, such as a thread on whetherFox News anchor Megyn Kelly got it wrong on bread-winning moms. And then there are posts that are just plain disturbing: “My wife cries and writhes and begs me to stop during spankings, should I?”
Some women post questions about how best to convince their husbands to begin disciplining them, or pen distressed posts when the punishments wane in number or intensity.
Dig deeper, though, and you’ll find women who seem to want out. They describe being scared and in physical and emotional pain. The responses range from suggestions to submit more fully and try harder to leaving the relationship.
“I wanted the spankings to stop and my husband told me it was either DD and marriage or divorce,” one user named “Michelle” wrote on a popular domestic discipline blog. “I chose divorce. I couldn’t handle the pain of spankings anymore, emotionally or physically.” Leah Kelley, a CDD blogger and author of “spanking romance stories,” split from the man she had described as her “knight in beat up armor,” in 2010, citing her husband’s “deep-seated mental issues,” as the reason for the marriage’s end.
What seems to be the most obvious explanation for CDD, one acknowledged by some domestic discipline advocates not tied to the Christian church, is that the practice is a means to justify the fulfillment of a sexual fetish. On a CDD blog,“Sue” writes, “Boy do I wish more of the women in DD would admit to this. It’s a sexual fetish. There’s nothing wrong with it, but they try to make it so much more than it is.”
But the moral constraints of the church make it difficult for couples to be honest about the sexual nature of their desire, says Paul Byerly, who with his wife runsThe Marriage Bed, a site dedicated to sexuality and religion. Byerly, who calls CDD a “distortion of what God intended,” believes that “women, particularly in the Christian church tend to be sexually repressed.” Domestic discipline, he explains, could be “a way around that”—a chance to explore sexual desires while still nominally acting in the name of Jesus.
Still, CDDers themselves reject this pain-for-pleasure explanation. “The pure CDD people don’t go there,” says Vera, who is both in a domestic discipline relationship as well as into sex play. “A lot of folks think of Fifty Shades of Grey—but this is not that,” she says.
Vera (not her real name), argues that abuse is all about intent. “He never punishes me when he’s angry,” she says of her partner. “He doesn’t yell. The worst thing I can do is disappoint him and I do that when I act on one of my character defects.”
And do men have any of these defects? Who is there to correct them? “He’s not perfect,” Vera says, “but it’s not my role to point that out. He self corrects.”
And as for what a man gets out of it, besides a woman who obeys his every command, Vera says her partner is satisfied by her growth. “He enjoys seeing the person he owns, his property, become the thing God wants her to be. It might sound weird, but that works for me.”
Jun 19, 2013 4:45 AM EDT
What do you call it when a husband beats his wife with a paddle for disobeying him? Some would say domestic abuse. These people say he’s doing God’s work. By Brandy Zadrozny.
On a pain scale of one to 10, Chelsea ranks the epidural-free birth of her child as a six. Her husband’s spankings? Those are an eight.
First, he uses his hands for “warm-up” slaps. Then comes a combination of tools based on the specific infraction. The wooden spoon is the least severe; for the worst rule-breaking—like texting while driving (“It could kill me,” Chelsea admits) or moving money between accounts without his permission—she’ll be hit with something else: a hairbrush, a paddle, or a leather strap.
But this isn’t domestic abuse, Chelsea says. This is for Jesus.
Chelsea and her husband Clint, who asked that I use only their first names, belong to a small subculture of religious couples who practice “Christian Domestic Discipline,” a lifestyle that calls for a wife to be completely submissive to her husband. Referred to as CDD by its followers, the practice often includes spanking and other types corporal punishments administered by husbands—and ostensibly ordained by God. While the private nature of the discipline makes it difficult to estimate the number of adherents, activity in several online forums suggests a figure in the low thousands. Devotees call CDD an alternative lifestyle and enthusiastically sing its praises; for critics, it’s nothing but domestic abuse by another name.
Clint was in the room while I talked to Chelsea. They do everything together, including running their blog, Learning DD, which chronicles their exploration of domestic discipline. When Chelsea gets flummoxed by a question, she asks Clint for guidance in a voice so high-pitched that it belies her 28 years: “Honey, how long does the spanking usually last?” (About 5 minutes, Clint says.)
He has left bruises, Chelsea says, but it’s rare, and she attributes them to anemia.
You don’t have to be a Christian to practice domestic discipline, although many of its practitioners say they believe that domestic discipline goes hand in hand with their faith. Specifics of the practice vary by couple, though CDDers all seem to follow a few basic principles. Foremost, that the Bible commands a husband to be the head of the household, and the wife must submit to him, in every way, or face painful chastisement.
When a wife breaks her husband’s rules—rolling her eyes, maybe, or just feeling “meh,” as one blogger put it—that can equal punishments which are often corporal but can also be “corner time”; writing lines (think “I will not disobey my master” 1,000 times); losing a privilege like internet access; or being “humbled” by some sort of nude humiliation. Some practice “maintenance spanking,” wherein good girls are slapped on a schedule to remind them who’s boss; some don’t. Some couples keep the lifestyle from their children; others, like CDD blogger Stormy, don’t. “Not only does he spank me with no questions asked for disrespect or attitude in front of them, but I am also required to make an apology to each of them,” she writes.
“He enjoys seeing the person he owns become the thing God wants her to be.”
After discipline, many wives report being held and comforted. And on Internet message boards dedicated to the practice, couples emphatically advocate for the CDD way of life. As such, there’s a temptation to file away domestic discipline into to the “different strokes for different folks” category. But mental-health and abuse experts see a potential for danger.
Jim Alsdurf, a forensic psychologist who evaluates and treats sexual psychopaths and is the author of a book on abuse in Christian homes, says CDD isn’t about religion—it’s an outlet for emotionally disturbed men with intimacy deficits.
“No fool in his right mind would buy this as a legitimate way to have a relationship,” Alsdurf says. “A relationship that infantilizes a woman is one that clearly draws a more pathological group of people.”
For Alsdurf, though, CDD sounds less like an act of violence and more like of an act of distorted sexual arousal. “If people want to spank each other, go ahead,” he says. “The problem of course, is if it’s done in a controlling and a mildly abusive way.” Like with all outer variables of sexual expression, he says, “If they’re not done in a healthy way they can become about abuse and control.”
Others are less equivocal. “It’s sick,” says Wendy Dickson, who runs an emergency shelter for women and children fleeing abusive homes in Evanston, Illinois. Women who receive beatings in the name God, she says, are no different than the women she sees every day in her shelter. Domestic abuse, which one in four U.S. women (PDF) will experience at some point in their lifetime, often conjures scenes of thundering rage, broken bones, and black eyes. But the most dangerous kind, Dickson says, is the emotional kind, because it keeps people trapped. “The definition of domestic abuse is power and control over another individual,” she says.
And as for women who seem content? Dickson says many of the abused women whom she helps also make excuses for staying in an unacceptable relationship. “Everyone just wants to maintain and tell themselves this is what they want,” she says.
Perhaps for these reasons, CDDers are a private group. As they see it, they’re fighting (and losing) a culture war against liberalism and feminism. There are no brick-and-mortar churches where adherents gather to pray and paddle. Instead, the ties that bind the community are formed in largely anonymous online communities.
There are dozens of online meeting places. On Fetlife, the Christian Domestic Discipline group has more than 500 members. The private Yahoo group boasts some 4,000 members. The topics on these forums range from the banal (“Happy Flag Day, everybody!”) to the political, such as a thread on whetherFox News anchor Megyn Kelly got it wrong on bread-winning moms. And then there are posts that are just plain disturbing: “My wife cries and writhes and begs me to stop during spankings, should I?”
Some women post questions about how best to convince their husbands to begin disciplining them, or pen distressed posts when the punishments wane in number or intensity.
Dig deeper, though, and you’ll find women who seem to want out. They describe being scared and in physical and emotional pain. The responses range from suggestions to submit more fully and try harder to leaving the relationship.
“I wanted the spankings to stop and my husband told me it was either DD and marriage or divorce,” one user named “Michelle” wrote on a popular domestic discipline blog. “I chose divorce. I couldn’t handle the pain of spankings anymore, emotionally or physically.” Leah Kelley, a CDD blogger and author of “spanking romance stories,” split from the man she had described as her “knight in beat up armor,” in 2010, citing her husband’s “deep-seated mental issues,” as the reason for the marriage’s end.
What seems to be the most obvious explanation for CDD, one acknowledged by some domestic discipline advocates not tied to the Christian church, is that the practice is a means to justify the fulfillment of a sexual fetish. On a CDD blog,“Sue” writes, “Boy do I wish more of the women in DD would admit to this. It’s a sexual fetish. There’s nothing wrong with it, but they try to make it so much more than it is.”
But the moral constraints of the church make it difficult for couples to be honest about the sexual nature of their desire, says Paul Byerly, who with his wife runsThe Marriage Bed, a site dedicated to sexuality and religion. Byerly, who calls CDD a “distortion of what God intended,” believes that “women, particularly in the Christian church tend to be sexually repressed.” Domestic discipline, he explains, could be “a way around that”—a chance to explore sexual desires while still nominally acting in the name of Jesus.
Still, CDDers themselves reject this pain-for-pleasure explanation. “The pure CDD people don’t go there,” says Vera, who is both in a domestic discipline relationship as well as into sex play. “A lot of folks think of Fifty Shades of Grey—but this is not that,” she says.
Vera (not her real name), argues that abuse is all about intent. “He never punishes me when he’s angry,” she says of her partner. “He doesn’t yell. The worst thing I can do is disappoint him and I do that when I act on one of my character defects.”
And do men have any of these defects? Who is there to correct them? “He’s not perfect,” Vera says, “but it’s not my role to point that out. He self corrects.”
And as for what a man gets out of it, besides a woman who obeys his every command, Vera says her partner is satisfied by her growth. “He enjoys seeing the person he owns, his property, become the thing God wants her to be. It might sound weird, but that works for me.”